I usually manage to get something posted here around this time of year. Perhaps I get more introspective about my life, but this feels like a need to connect on an even deeper level, beyond personal. I suppose this is a normal feeling during the holidays as we think of what it is to give to one another. I learned long ago that giving doesn’t come in measured time only during specific holidays or other celebrations in life, although these are perfectly good reasons to go there. We need to celebrate each other for whatever reasons we wish to use as an excuse to do so. We need to bring back our love for one another.

The pandemic put us into a jump-start mode for change, whether we wanted to go there or not. We were forced to isolate from one another, to stay at home and ruminate in our surroundings, and often in our own complex heads. This was particularly difficult for many, especially those who live alone, which is understandable, but I do believe we were given a gift. We were stretched, reshaped and perhaps pulled unwillingly, but we came out the other side with a new sense of who we are and perhaps most importantly, what we value most in life.

I do not say this lightly. There were stages of frustration, grief and even anger. There was a sadness that set in for many of us, and I know I wavered about many things I once perceived as important, even about subject matter I would choose to paint. I could not bring forth anything that seemed significant enough, and I still puzzle about this. I know I was processing all this change, but I have not quit jumped back to my former creative self and have come to accept that this is okay. I must say here that I know there were and still are many subjects/issues worthy of painting, but my heart wasn’t feeling it enough.

Although I have recently posted about two of my dear furry, family members leaving this earthly plane, I have not said much here for a long while. There was a mention around last Christmas, always wanting to say something about lights. Seems I cannot get enough of those sparkly reminders of what I believe we all need more of… light. And yes, my makeshift, Xmas tree is still on my wall, now on it’s 3rd year.

Beyond the growing need to help supplement our food resources as so many food items seemed a bit more scarce these past two years, gardening has been a kind of meditation. similar to what painting has almost always been for me. Now the deeper question is, why did I find it so easy to become distracted from this form of beloved creating in my life?

The pandemic had a massive influence on all our lives for as many different reasons as there are of us. I went through multiple phases; shock, fear, frustration and grief, to a new kind of awareness that even embraces uncertainty, allowing myself to go through whatever emotions arise along the way.

Not so long ago I saw an impressive interview on Rich Roll youtube podcast with Johann Hari. It’s long, but worth the watch/listen. I was left with the strong desire to pick up his book on Amazon, Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention and How To Think Deeply Again. As I pondered this title, it was like remembering that uncomfortable feeling of not being able to quite grasp a really good dream, or a clear idea that I once coveted to fulfill. Something seemed to slip through these unwanted cracks, something that I had held so close to my heart since I was a small child.

I often clean and prepare my studio, maybe do a few sketches, put together a few new wood panels and gesso them, organize my paints and brushes, readying them for the energy to somehow change and for my artist’s heart to awaken. They say so many things, but one that I know to be true is that an artist will lose the magic of their gift if they do not practice. I tell myself I am just processing life, and I am, but this goes beyond what is simply refereed to as a “block”.

It seemed worth mentioning, because I think I am not alone. I do know other artists who have really leaned into their work, creating like there is no tomorrow. I get an energetic buzz, not just seeing their work, but listening to them talk about their process. Perhaps their deeper self knows something I am not quite grasping. Perhaps my deeper self knows something I am really needing to fulfill, but somehow, I do know that the painting will come back, and it will be with the utmost honesty and unwavering love that its long wait has absorbed, nothing less.

Meanwhile, keeping the faith, and wishing all you creatives the joy of creating whatever completes you in each and every, precious moment.

Like an elderly couple you may read about, one passes on and the other soon follows. My Louie left us yesterday, just two weeks after my sweet Sophie. Living as long as I have allows me the  familiarity of grief, but I did not think I would have to visit this sadness again, so soon.

Nearly 19 years ago, I was walking in my neighborhood as I often do now, and noticed a stocky, brown puppy trying to keep up with an older women, who was moving as if she was trying to lose him. I asked her if he was her puppy, and in Spanish along with some body language, it was clear to me that he was not. I walked toward him as he ran to me, me scooping him up into my arms. His tired head dropped onto my shoulder, and just like that he fell asleep. After some funny greetings with my then-dogs, I dispersed signs throughout the neighborhood, but no one came forward. Of course, we were quickly falling in love, and he was already a member of our family.

I cannot really begin to sum up Louie in a few sentences, but I will make a an attempt. He had a rather comical, yet serious personality. Do dogs know they are funny? We humans seem to think so. He often smelled like corn tortillas. He loved going for walks, sleeping in “his” favorite chair, eating almost anything and being the first one to finish, and barking at the dogs on the other side of the fence. My favorite was how he loved cleaning Sophie’s ears – a behavior that I believe to be an affectionate and tender moment between them that lasted till the very end. He was a devoted studio dog, always sleeping near me when I was painting. My partner found him to be a good office dog as well, usually there with him every evening. He did become a bit grumpy in his older age, no sense of humor left, probably due to aches and pains he could not tell us about. The house is oddly quiet, even with one dog now living here. My dear boy, Louie, we miss you so.

A New Year

It’s been 3 extraordinary years
and my Christmas “wall-tree” still hangs
string-tied branches dangle
in the classic shape
tiny fairy lights glowing all around
adored ornaments
new ones crowd in each year
after January sales
a delicate glass cardinal, a hand-carved polar bear
that begin to gather their own dust layers
in wispy spider webs.

I said I would finally take it down in 2022
but keep finding reasons to do something else.
On our neighborhood social media
a person scolded
“please take down your lights!”
I wondered at their need to say this.
Did they feel that somebody had to?
Is it that same perfectionism that creates
such tightly manicured lawns
slipping past what really matters
between reason
and some unbearable fixation
unable to ignore
the camouflaged string of unlit pearls
lining their neighbor’s rooftop?

It was some word game on Facebook that someone posted. The image was filled with a puzzle of hundreds of letters set in a grid. The saying was that the first 4 words you see are key to how 2021 will unfold for you. I never play these games as many of them are just a way for Facebook’s advertisers to know more about us, but I couldn’t help but stare at the graphic and these were the 4 words that came up, in this order: Power, purpose, breakthrough, and family.

I was going to slough it off, but then realized it is only another form of divination and I am always intrigued with how things play out, whether we draw taro cards, swing a pendulum, do I-Ching or just open a book to any page and read a sentence. I began to think about these words, what they mean to me and how this could open up many possibilities in the coming months. They sort of gave me an easier route to help clarify my intentions, even though I have pause about how I wish this to actually happen. Perhaps it's not so much about the "how" as it is the "what". 

One thing is for certain, we can say goodbye to this year. Some of us probably feel more like kicking it out the backdoor, or at least burning some sage as we enter the new year… not a bad idea. As for me on this important day, December 21st, the winter solstice, I am hopeful.

These last few days I have felt the urge to watch some old, “feel good” Christmas movies, and realized that Netflix wasn't doing it for me. It’s a Wonderful Life, although quite long, keeps me fascinated with the many scenes and messages along the way, most that I feel are still relevant, even though this film was made 73 years ago! Our country had just seen the end to a devastating world war. They must have needed “feel good” in a big way. Many, old Hollywood-style movies that came out at this time were a testament to this.

We are so ready for “feel good” right now. With Covid ragging as never before and the vaccine just beginning its journey into our lives, we need to reclaim some sense of joy, some kind of new normal in our lives, knowing full well it will never be what it was before, and awakening to the idea that this is a good thing.

So, I found Elf on Youtube last night. I have already watched this movie countless times, always sparked by my deep need to laugh a lot. I didn’t watch the entire thing, as I reached my goal midway and know this movie by heart anyway.  I'll probably watch the rest sometime today.

One of my favorite holiday movies is A Christmas Carol, with Albert Finney, although there are so many versions of this story worth watching. But the one that I probably whore out on a DVD was Scrooged, with Bill Murray. I still have that DVD player, yet I have no videos. Truth is, we also got rid of our TV a few years ago. No regrets here as my laptop works well enough for anything I wish to watch. But why do I still hold onto that player?

There are other versions of the story behind It’s a Wonderful Life, such as Family Man, with Nicholas Cage, another movie I obsessed over as my heart loved this flip version, where the main character suddenly wakes up to the life he could have had, had he made a different decision when he was younger, rather than chasing the big money dream that he was living in his current life. Kind of a Scrooge/It’s a Wonderful Life combined. This film was not billed as a Christmas movie, but if you watch it, you will know why I feel the vibe here.

Try googling “feel good” movies, and perhaps you will find as I did that most of what is described as “feel good” is a far cry from what I thought I knew it to be. Perhaps this is my age showing, but I know that this form of creativity has the power to touch the human heart in such a way that the viewer walks away forever changed.  They are more in love with life.

Many things can do this to us in real life. Sometimes it comes with the harshness of health issues, financial changes, losing one’s home or a loved one, or a year in isolation because of a pandemic. We are in that place.

We have been given this opportunity to make change, to see a new way and to cherish what we most value. We are walking away forever changed and hopefully, we are more in love with life. I am hopeful, and mean this when I say, may this new year, 2021, be full of power, purpose, breakthroughs, family (friends) and above all, love.

Have a Happy New Year!